Fingernails on a chalkboard. Rubbing a cat’s hair backwards. Chewing on aluminum foil.
These are things that make us cringe.
Here’s another one: a disagreement between coworkers that goes badly in public.
We’ve all felt the awkwardness of being in a team meeting and watching a disagreement unfold the wrong way—like a train wreck in slow motion. You may even feel tightness in your chest or throat right now just from reading this. If it happens too often, the climate of the team turns to permanent tension, and trust goes down.
Disagreements are part of being human. Research shows that the best teams learn to embrace their differences as a strength. But there are healthy and unhealthy ways to make your case.
When it’s your turn to disagree, why not try a different approach? Here are three tips for how to differ with a teammate without starting a war. For each tip, we explain when to use it, what to say, and why it works.
1. Disagree, but leave space to learn more
When to use it: You’ve just heard your teammate suggest an idea or course of action that you think would be disastrous.
What to say: “If I understood you correctly, I disagree …”
Why it works: The wording of your disagreement leaves space for the other person to explain or give more information. They may not have been clear, or they may have left out a crucial step or fact. You are disagreeing with what you understand now, but you are open to learning more that might change your mind.
We all make assumptions when we speak and listen, so before you blast them with a rejection of their idea, acknowledge that further discussion might allow you to agree.
2. Be specific in your disagreement
When to use it: You’ve just heard your teammate say something you believe to be erroneous or wrongheaded.
What to say: “I have a different perspective on that,” or “I disagree with_______ .”
Fill in the blank with something specific like:
- … the way you presented that conversation.
- … the interpretation you have given that situation.
- … what is required of us here.
Why it works: Instead of disagreeing with the person, you are disagreeing with a specific idea or a perspective. In the absence of specifics, it’s easy for your teammate to take your disagreement personally (especially in the heat of the moment). So be specific and word your response so they know you are targeting a problem you see—not them as a person.
3. Explain your perspective from the start
When to use it: You’ve just heard your teammate say something you think is short-sighted, and they should know better.
What to say: “Here’s why I see that differently …”
Why it works: This works because you are acknowledging that your teammates are also intelligent. Of course, your solution or perspective seems obvious to you, but that does not mean it should be obvious to them. They do not sit where you sit or know all that you know.
By starting off with why you disagree, you reveal your own assumptions and reasons for them to consider. Then they get to decide whether they agree or disagree with you.
Why Good Disagreement is Important
Disagreement is important because we are all wrong from time to time. If no one disagrees with us when we are wrong, then the whole organization is at risk.
High performing teams are built on trust, fueled by trust, and motivated by being trusted. The way we handle disagreement can either build trust or tear it down.
We have all experienced disagreements that tore down trust. These bad disagreements look like passive resistance (foot-dragging), angry outbursts, manipulation, domination, or personal attacks. These behaviors kill morale and create barriers to communication.
In healthy teams, no one gets fired or penalized for disagreement, no one is kept out of the loop, and no one is personally cut down. Ironically, good disagreement makes teams feel more secure, not less. Team members learn that it is ok to differ, even passionately, and that their perspectives and participation are valuable to the team.
All that starts with how you disagree.
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