Are you instinctively suspicious when someone says the words, “Trust me.”?
I am. And it’s not just because I have been burned by people who told me to trust them. It’s because real trust is not built on words—it’s built on consistent behavior over time.
Leaders understand the concept of value creation—they know it takes investment and work to create anything of value.
Trust holds a high value because it is costly to create.
Last time, we explored the first three habits to build deep and lasting trust. Please understand that the last three habits will cost you something more.
#4: Ask deeper questions and remember people’s answers.
We already learned that to build trust quickly, we must become vulnerable and reveal something of ourselves. The fourth habit solidifies that trust by asking deeper questions and inviting the other person to share something meaningful to them. When they do, it’s critical that you handle their response the right way.
If you are the only one being vulnerable, you have not yet built trust. Until the other person is willing to reciprocate, the relationship can’t go much further. But human psychology is in your favor because most people want to be heard, known, and understood. Your vulnerability creates a safer environment for them to respond in kind, and you can encourage them by asking deeper questions.
Asking deeper questions is not the same as probing, prying, or stalking. It’s simply an invitation for them to share whatever they want to share. Should they choose to do so, you have an obvious responsibility to protect that information. [Do I even need to say it? If you don’t keep information confidential, you have broken their initial trust and will move backwards.]
Beyond protecting what they shared, there is a further step that establishes you as a trustworthy person: you need to remember what they told you.
If they tell you that a loved one struggles with chronic pain, then remember that and ask about them. If they share a bad experience at a previous job, then remember and offer extra explanation of decisions that affect them. If they reveal a fear that their credentials don’t measure up, then remember them when opportunities for certifications or training come around.
Remembering shows that you care. Remembering is work. It does not come naturally. Do not give excuses about how you can’t remember names or you have a bad memory.
If it’s important to you, then do the work it takes to remember (take written notes, use sticky notes, use your phone’s “reminder” feature, put it on the calendar, keep a file, etc).
When both parties exchange personally meaningful information, and remember it, they build another pillar for the bridge of trust.
#5: Put yourself in harm’s way.
The fifth habit for building trust long-term is to put yourself in harm’s way for the sake of protecting the other person. This does not mean acting foolishly or without regard to risk. Instead, putting yourself in harm’s way means choosing to protect others rather than protecting yourself. It is the opposite of covering your hindquarters.
What does this habit look like? With employees, it means that leaders respond to customer complaints by taking ownership of the problem instead of throwing a lower-ranking employee under the bus. Even if the employee made a mistake, the leader protects the employee from public humiliation or harassment. The leader can correct the employee later in a private conversation if needed.
In peer relationships, it means that leaders publicly protect the other person’s reputation and uphold that person’s dignity and integrity. If a conversation takes a negative turn, the leader is willing to endure whatever is said to them personally because of their defense of someone who is not present.
When leaders consistently, time after time, choose to protect other people even at the threat of personal cost, it builds tremendous trust.
#6: Actively promote the success of others.
The sixth habit is to always and actively promote the success of others. We are all on the alert for our next opportunity, but the trustworthy leader is on the lookout for opportunities to advance other people.
When you are networking, make a point to connect new contacts to someone in your circle who could benefit. Be the one to offer referrals and recommendations, even before you are asked. Make a point to share invitations to special events. Pass along job opportunities or RFP notices. Hand out someone else’s business card, and explain why you are so confident in their ability.
Internally, involve employees in decisions at higher levels. Invite them to meetings where other senior leaders can see the employee’s contribution and potential. Train them in the best parts of your own work. Build their confidence by trusting them with important projects and clients.
Over time, peers and followers will develop a powerful and enduring trust in you, because they can see that your intentions toward them are consistently good.
Why do these six strategies work?
These six habits (the first three can be found here) work because they are visible and tangible ways to demonstrate that you have placed the interests of others above your own interest. As human beings, we trust those whom we believe have our best interests at heart and act on our behalf.
- Do what (people think) you said you would do.
- Resist the urge to defend yourself from criticism.
- Be physically present and available go to them.
- Ask deeper questions and remember people’s answers.
- Put yourself in harm’s way.
- Actively promote the success of others.
Please comment to share the best wisdom you’ve received on building trust.
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