Sometimes I still get smacked in the face by how hard it is for us to understand each other.
I recently argued with my wife for half an hour before realizing that I had completely misunderstood what she was saying. Even after 25 years together, getting to a point of understanding can still be a lot of work. The same dynamic is true at our places of work.
Recalibrating the Value of Understanding
If genuine understanding is hard to get to, then what is the ROI for the effort you put in to understand the people on your team?
Let’s calibrate our valuation of effort through a simple comparison exercise. In each bullet below, which option has greater value for you?
| Easy | OR | Effortful |
|---|---|---|
| A “like” on your Facebook post | OR | A written comment on your post? |
| The boilerplate “Congrats on the new position!” on LinkedIn | OR | A real personalized message recognizing your achievement? |
| A signed card from the store | OR | A handwritten note? |
| An email asking you questions | OR | Someone picking up the phone to talk to you? |
| A gift card of money | OR | A physical gift that shows the giver thought of you and your likes/wants/needs in the purchase? |
A recent research study conducted at the University of Bath in the UK highlighted the added value of discretionary effort in online communication. When recipients perceived that the sender had put in meaningful effort, the communication itself was more meaningful.We give greater value to communication that took greater effort.
It strikes me that leaders may need to adjust expectations around how much effort it should take to understand each other.
Your new expectations will depend on how you respond to two communication factors.
#1: The senior person has the greater obligation
The old idea of noblesse oblige literally translates: “nobility obligates.” It means that those who have a better position or higher rank should act with responsibility and respect towards others. We do not identify people as “nobility” by their birth or ancestry today, but the concept still applies to any work relationship where one party has authority, privilege, or influence over another.
By virtue of rank, the senior person can “require” the attention of the junior, which creates a situation of unequal advantage. For example, when the boss calls a meeting, people have to show up and listen; but on the other hand, no one can “make” the boss sit and listen. Therefore, since the boss has a relational advantage, the boss has the greater obligation to put forth the effort of understanding the employee.greater advantage = greater obligation
#2: Understanding requires learning their “language”
When we lived in East Africa, we faced the huge challenge of learning another language on our own. This challenge was made even more difficult by the fact that there were no textbooks, online courses, or tutors available. We ended up writing our own dictionary and grammar textbook as well as creating vocabulary flashcards. It took a great deal of effort to understand the people around us. Even when speaking English, the accent and cultural differences created barriers to understanding.
When we communicate with people at work, we should expect to learn how to “speak their language” by learning their values, their history, their communication style, and their frame of reference. One of the fundamental tools we use (internally and with clients) are our assessments that reveal behavioral (DISC) and motivational traits. I study these assessment reports to adapt my communication to be more effective with each individual, and I tune my ears to hear and understand people who are different from me.
What’s the bottom line?
So how much effort should it take to understand someone?
And what is the ROI for making the extra effort of truly understanding others at work? Your own values and research studies both suggest that others perceive your effortful communication to be more valuable and more meaningful. Meaningful communication leads to greater trust and satisfaction at work. It also gives you the advantage of avoiding costly misunderstandings.#1 The higher your position, the greater effort you should expect to expend.
#2 Learning a language takes tremendous effort, and the work of understanding another person includes learning to speak (and hear) their language.
How much is that worth to your business?
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