I got the news of his death through a co-worker. We had been living in Africa for less than a year, and Isaac had become both trusted guide and friend. He was a local high school teacher, whom we had hired to be our language instructor. And I had grown to trust his local insights and guidance as I focused on leading the university.
He and his cousin were riding their motorcycle back from a visit with his fiancée when a speeding car crossed the center line and struck them. The funeral was held at his home in the village where hundreds of friends and family members had gathered. When I stepped into his house and saw his broken body, I lost it. I mourned openly for my friend with huge sobs and racking breaths. It was what we call today an “ugly cry.”
My grief stood out in stark contrast to the stoicism of other mourners. And through my own tears, I could see that many people were distressed by my display of grief. One of the village elders came over and instructed me very directly to stop crying. It was only then that I realized that many of the others felt the same way I did, but my over-the-top reaction was destabilizing to the group. It was an uncomfortable, yet powerful, lesson in the requirements of leadership.
How Does Stoicism Relate to Emotional Intelligence?
A lot has been written lately about emotional intelligence as a predictor of leadership performance. I recently published a blog on empathy for logical leaders, but today’s topic explores the opposite end of the spectrum by asking the question, “when does a leader’s emotional display become destructive or harmful?”
With the revived interest in the philosophy of stoicism and its relationship to emotional intelligence, let’s take a closer look at two specific stoic behaviors: choosing our inner perspective and controlling our outward expression of emotion.
Choosing Inner Perspective
The philosophy of stoicism rests on the principle of acceptance. The stoic accepts everything that happens. While I do not fully embrace this premise, I find value in leaders consciously choosing their inner perspective on events by beginning with acceptance.
Acceptance calms our instinctive response of fight or flight. It allows us time for a more thoughtful and reasoned approach that is not driven by our limbic system.
Leaders who are emotionally engaged with their work and their employees may have a more difficult time keeping a grip on their inner perspective. They may find it helpful to postpone evaluation on whether an event is positive or negative and just accept it at face value in the beginning. This choice of practicing inner perspective leaves their pre-frontal cortex in charge of judgment and decision-making. Then they can consider all facts, options, and alternatives before acting.
Controlling Outward Expression
As in my experience at the funeral, a strong display of emotion from a leader can be very destabilizing for an organization. Other people are not sure how to respond, and a leader can do great damage to their trust and confidence.
Stoicism requires thoughtful consideration before acting. But before a leader can make a behavioral correction, they need to understand what words or situations trigger their own unfiltered emotional response.
Ask a friend or trusted co-worker for feedback on your intensity and the impact of your emotions in the workplace. Then reflect on a recent scenario to think through what triggers may have provoked that response in yourself. Once you become aware of your triggers, you will have greater success in practicing control of outward expressions.
Not every leader is wired to be cool, calm, and collected by nature. But with practice, leaders can gain a level of control over their initial reactions.
It May Look Like Control, But It’s Not
On the surface, these two practices of stoicism, choosing your inner perspective and controlling your outward expression, may seem like they’re focused around control. But actually, the opposite is true. These helpful leadership practices are based on recognizing that we are not in control of most of the events that happen.
Savvy leaders understand that they actually control very little, either inside or outside of their organizations. In recognition of this lack of control, a calm inner perspective and a measured outward expression allow the leader to focus on the few things that are subject to their influence. When cooler heads prevail, obstacles can turn into stepping stones.
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